Putting On A Smile

It was around fall/winter time of last year… I had decided to talk and call with some mutuals of my bsf at the time. And the more I talked with them, the more I felt like something was wrong. Being the person I am, I asked about themselves and their personal lives more. Turns out almost every single one of them was depressed. After that, they started opening up more to me. And I learned the reality of them, and it really took a toll on my own mental health. Knowing that these people were out there in the world, and I'm not able to do anything about it. It really hurt, secrets and stories not able to be shared really takes its toll. After that I had learned the importance of knowing a person before judging them. I started having genuine conversations with people after that. I realized everyone around me is secretly struggling and fighting their own battles. I figured out one of my close friends and teammates were struggling with family life and other issues, one of my friends at school was struggling really bad with anxiety. Everything started unraveling around me, and it would never stop. People had always opened up to me, for reasons I am not entirely sure about. I figured out one friend I was talking to was struggling with family and relationship issues. And then I don’t know when exactly but sometime within a year span, all of the weight of secrets people trusted me with kinda just came crashing down. I broke down. Things in my own life became really messy even after trying to distance myself from all of it. I started having really bad anxiety and depression. I started crying at night in my room because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Until one of my teammates and friends truly reached out, and genuinely asked if I was ok. That was a turning point in my story. I realized people genuinely did care about me. And it’s ok to be weak sometimes. Maybe not everyone absolutely likes or loves me, but even if it’s just one, that makes the biggest difference. Since then, I’ve reached out to him a lot and he’s helped talk me through a lot of things happening in my life. One person can make you feel at home. The other day he told me, after a little break down, “I'm always here for you whenever and for whatever. You will never be alone.” Since my breakdown I’ve had other anxiety attacks and pretended I'm ok when I'm not, but I've realized I do have people who care about me. Now, I realize I can reach out to so many people in my community. But I know I can always reach out to him, my anchor, and know I'm loved. Even in my deepest and darkest days I'm loved and cared about. And you are too! Thank you for listening to my story.

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CRUMB OF COMFORT:

Even when the weight of others’ pain feels too heavy and your smile hides your own, remember this—you are not alone. There is always someone who sees you, cares for you, and will stand by you, even in the silence.

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- Anon, 14